I have transferred what you need...

Pride and entitlement are probably the two biggest adversaries for a believer; entitlement, of course, stemming from pride. I have been recently discovering the depths to which my pride reaches down into my character, thoughts and heart, and been thus overwhelmed and disgusted. I run repeatedly to my Savior almost shouting in desperation “TAKE IT AWAY!” as I point a horrified finger at the specific area that I have newly discovered the pride lurking. Its hiding spots are fairly obvious; it’s under and behind wherever I am. Therefore I discover over and over that my horrified finger-pointing is really pointing at myself and asking my Savior “TAKE ME AWAY!”… “and replace me with you. Abba. Please.”

Pride and my ongoing realization of that battle, especially throughout my past few months, is a whole other story. In this note, I mean to specifically address a seemingly skewed reception of grace I have and believe many others must as well. And I hope to point to the great energy that can be found when that reception and perception is realigned.

I have mentioned before that my relationship with my father has time and time again taught me about my relationship with our Great God as father. It is only one facet of our relation to Him, but is a very tangible one when you have a good, just and loving earthly father (who, of course, still has very human moments but is still so very transparent, only by God’s refining grace, that I see the image of my heavenly Father through my dad). The past three years of my life, I have been pretty much completely self-sufficient. College has been paid through grants and scholarships, and my rent, groceries, etc. by my own paycheck. I have been able to afford vacations, flights to visit my parents in the middle of Asia, etc. All by tremendous blessing from the Lord and wise budgeting based on what I had. This past summer, a couple things turned the tables. A combination of opting to work at a camp instead of a job during the summer, losing a scholarship due to a drop in grades from a hard and busy spring 2012 semester, and late filing with the financial aid department have found me not as financially free this semester. Don’t get me wrong, the Lord is still providing and I am still working hard, but this is a season of, well, just living like the stereo-typical college student. That's all that has really happened to me.

Anyhow, I called my father for advice on which loans, etc. to consider in order to cover my tuition bill while I wait for some of my other delayed aid funds to come through. The conversation ended with “I’ve transferred what you need to your account.” How simple. Simple, because he had the capacity to do such a thing. How much more capacity does our Heavenly Father have to give to us freely to cover our debt of sin. He has transferred what we need onto us: His grace. Of course, I will be paying my earthly daddy back J, but I still feel a great sense of relief from the grace extended to me, though I did not even ask. This relief, though, is coupled with guilt that I even had to go to him about my finances after 3 years of independence and self sufficiency.

I sat at my desk at work for an hour after the conversation toiling over how to rectify my feeling of shame/guilt. Three scenarios went through my mind. The first was to somehow keep bugging the financial aid department to send my disbursement as soon as possible so I could pay my dad back as soon as possible. Or to somehow find a job that I can work 12 hours a day and pay him pack with an interest I chose to add. Yeah… pretty ridiculous and basically impossible. And yet, similar to the ridiculous and impossible way we try to make it up to God that He had to forgive us by doing good works or by proving ourselves to Him. That option only cycled through my brain for a few brief moments.

The next scenario was that I be ok with what he did because I believe that I’m somehow worth it; that I am entitled to this act. “Other people’s parents pay for ALL of their college and flights and rent and food, surely it is right for my father to help me out with one semester’s tuition’s. That’s just the way things work. He’s just doing the right thing, and I deserve it.” Ok, so those aren’t the exact things I was thinking, but I might as well state it as such because the sugar coated thoughts of entitlement that crept up are just as gross as the sassy sentences I wrote above.

These thoughts, sadly, cycled through my brain much longer than the first of “good works”. Not because I truly believe I am entitled, but because it was the mode of thinking that ended up giving me the most comfort. If I could somehow trick myself into feeling entitled and normalizing his actions, then I would feel no guilt! And this is where I get to the point that I believe my reception of God’s grace is very similar. In fact, I think this is the case for many of us. Many of us live in a Christian culture, where, yes, God’s grace does abound, but we are so used to it, it becomes normalized. We feel entitled to it because he gives it out SO freely that it seems to be our right to take it. After all, isn’t HE the one choosing to give it to us in the first place? While we were still yet sinners and all?

The last option is to simply receive the Grace. Our natural response to true reception of a gift is not to explain why we have received it or deserve it, but to accept it and say "Oh thank you, thank you!". It is particularly when we understand the great depth of our sin that we understand the astounding greatness of the gift, and therefore all the more thankful. This thankfulness leads us to love and if we truly love our Father, then we will obey Him. Jesus places these two things before us correlative and even inseparable (John 14:15). The depth of the gift is not meant to make us scurry around to find an explanation because we feel that extreme weight lifted and feel as though we should be worthy of the gift. Instead, the depth of the gift is meant to lead us into love and joy. As a man who has discovered treasure in a field, he goes and joyfully sells all he has to purchase that land (Matt 13:44). We discover the great treasure bestowed to us and almost involuntarily we in turn willingly give up all we have to fully embrace and receive the treasure. If we love Him, we will obey Him.

How much all-out obedience do we see in our lives and in the American church? The answer is "not enough". And praise God that Jesus has died for all our "not enough" moments. But it is not good to leave it at that. I believe one on the sources of our lack of obedience is potentially due to a response and reception to grace that is very similar to my second response. We explain the magnificent gift away with a simple and faulty sense of entitlement. Well, if the magnitude of the gift is lost, then so is the magnitude of any right response we might have- the response of love, and therefore obedience, that we should have.

Lord! Let us not be a people of entitled attitudes. Let us receive grace graciously, in all it's fullness that we might respond in rejoicing, love and obedience in all their fullness.