I have transferred what you need...

Pride and entitlement are probably the two biggest adversaries for a believer; entitlement, of course, stemming from pride. I have been recently discovering the depths to which my pride reaches down into my character, thoughts and heart, and been thus overwhelmed and disgusted. I run repeatedly to my Savior almost shouting in desperation “TAKE IT AWAY!” as I point a horrified finger at the specific area that I have newly discovered the pride lurking. Its hiding spots are fairly obvious; it’s under and behind wherever I am. Therefore I discover over and over that my horrified finger-pointing is really pointing at myself and asking my Savior “TAKE ME AWAY!”… “and replace me with you. Abba. Please.”

Pride and my ongoing realization of that battle, especially throughout my past few months, is a whole other story. In this note, I mean to specifically address a seemingly skewed reception of grace I have and believe many others must as well. And I hope to point to the great energy that can be found when that reception and perception is realigned.

I have mentioned before that my relationship with my father has time and time again taught me about my relationship with our Great God as father. It is only one facet of our relation to Him, but is a very tangible one when you have a good, just and loving earthly father (who, of course, still has very human moments but is still so very transparent, only by God’s refining grace, that I see the image of my heavenly Father through my dad). The past three years of my life, I have been pretty much completely self-sufficient. College has been paid through grants and scholarships, and my rent, groceries, etc. by my own paycheck. I have been able to afford vacations, flights to visit my parents in the middle of Asia, etc. All by tremendous blessing from the Lord and wise budgeting based on what I had. This past summer, a couple things turned the tables. A combination of opting to work at a camp instead of a job during the summer, losing a scholarship due to a drop in grades from a hard and busy spring 2012 semester, and late filing with the financial aid department have found me not as financially free this semester. Don’t get me wrong, the Lord is still providing and I am still working hard, but this is a season of, well, just living like the stereo-typical college student. That's all that has really happened to me.

Anyhow, I called my father for advice on which loans, etc. to consider in order to cover my tuition bill while I wait for some of my other delayed aid funds to come through. The conversation ended with “I’ve transferred what you need to your account.” How simple. Simple, because he had the capacity to do such a thing. How much more capacity does our Heavenly Father have to give to us freely to cover our debt of sin. He has transferred what we need onto us: His grace. Of course, I will be paying my earthly daddy back J, but I still feel a great sense of relief from the grace extended to me, though I did not even ask. This relief, though, is coupled with guilt that I even had to go to him about my finances after 3 years of independence and self sufficiency.

I sat at my desk at work for an hour after the conversation toiling over how to rectify my feeling of shame/guilt. Three scenarios went through my mind. The first was to somehow keep bugging the financial aid department to send my disbursement as soon as possible so I could pay my dad back as soon as possible. Or to somehow find a job that I can work 12 hours a day and pay him pack with an interest I chose to add. Yeah… pretty ridiculous and basically impossible. And yet, similar to the ridiculous and impossible way we try to make it up to God that He had to forgive us by doing good works or by proving ourselves to Him. That option only cycled through my brain for a few brief moments.

The next scenario was that I be ok with what he did because I believe that I’m somehow worth it; that I am entitled to this act. “Other people’s parents pay for ALL of their college and flights and rent and food, surely it is right for my father to help me out with one semester’s tuition’s. That’s just the way things work. He’s just doing the right thing, and I deserve it.” Ok, so those aren’t the exact things I was thinking, but I might as well state it as such because the sugar coated thoughts of entitlement that crept up are just as gross as the sassy sentences I wrote above.

These thoughts, sadly, cycled through my brain much longer than the first of “good works”. Not because I truly believe I am entitled, but because it was the mode of thinking that ended up giving me the most comfort. If I could somehow trick myself into feeling entitled and normalizing his actions, then I would feel no guilt! And this is where I get to the point that I believe my reception of God’s grace is very similar. In fact, I think this is the case for many of us. Many of us live in a Christian culture, where, yes, God’s grace does abound, but we are so used to it, it becomes normalized. We feel entitled to it because he gives it out SO freely that it seems to be our right to take it. After all, isn’t HE the one choosing to give it to us in the first place? While we were still yet sinners and all?

The last option is to simply receive the Grace. Our natural response to true reception of a gift is not to explain why we have received it or deserve it, but to accept it and say "Oh thank you, thank you!". It is particularly when we understand the great depth of our sin that we understand the astounding greatness of the gift, and therefore all the more thankful. This thankfulness leads us to love and if we truly love our Father, then we will obey Him. Jesus places these two things before us correlative and even inseparable (John 14:15). The depth of the gift is not meant to make us scurry around to find an explanation because we feel that extreme weight lifted and feel as though we should be worthy of the gift. Instead, the depth of the gift is meant to lead us into love and joy. As a man who has discovered treasure in a field, he goes and joyfully sells all he has to purchase that land (Matt 13:44). We discover the great treasure bestowed to us and almost involuntarily we in turn willingly give up all we have to fully embrace and receive the treasure. If we love Him, we will obey Him.

How much all-out obedience do we see in our lives and in the American church? The answer is "not enough". And praise God that Jesus has died for all our "not enough" moments. But it is not good to leave it at that. I believe one on the sources of our lack of obedience is potentially due to a response and reception to grace that is very similar to my second response. We explain the magnificent gift away with a simple and faulty sense of entitlement. Well, if the magnitude of the gift is lost, then so is the magnitude of any right response we might have- the response of love, and therefore obedience, that we should have.

Lord! Let us not be a people of entitled attitudes. Let us receive grace graciously, in all it's fullness that we might respond in rejoicing, love and obedience in all their fullness.

Joshua Box

The Spicewood house has a Joshua box. It’s a miniature trunk, beautifully painted by Katie and holds some of our most treasured notes of remembrance. In Joshua, chapter 4, God commands Joshua and the elders to set up stones as a memorial of when God parted the Jordan for them to cross, just as he did the Red Sea while delivering them from Egypt. Two times in the passage it says that when their children ask what the stones are for, they are to tell them and remember God’s deliverance and provision so that “all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” (vs 24) Similarly, all throughout the Psalms, it talks about remembering the things the Lord has done and that this is a source of hope, joy and reverence. So, the Joshua box contains notes of big and small moments of God’s redeeming work in our daily lives over the past year so that we may look back on them and remember that our God is one of flawless character and wonderful and unprecedented grace and blessing.

Tonight, Katie and I had such a sweet time, both of us hunched over her little desk writing note after note of the things He had done this past summer and reading through the few notes we had in there and mutually marveling at how far He has brought us. We intend to write so many more notes this year, because the box was rarely used before. There is such power in remembering the word of our testimony (Rev 12:1) and being, for each other a cloud of witnesses that encourages perseverance (Heb 12:1).

Though tonight we were writing notes, the past few days of being home have been filled with this with all of my friends. We have met together for dessert, breakfasts, and yoga, with the acknowledgement of our Father’s mighty work always on our lips (Hebrews 13:15). Late Saturday night Katie and I were both unpacking into our closets and conversing on and off… we were speechless and giddy and in awe and teary all at once throughout our conversation just over God’s redeeming work in each of our dear sweet sisters’ lives and our own lives. It was wonderful. It is wonderful.

God is Good. 

 

Eyes Wide Open

Ok, I'm going to start blogging again. On anything and everything. Anecdotal, devotional, gardening, and all things miscellaneous. Here's something from this morning.

Ecclesiastes 5:20 says that to those who God give wealth and pleasure to enjoy, that "he will not remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart." So true! Now, what I'm about to write may not be the spot on interpretation of the passage, but it got me to thinking. The people I know who have not experienced much hardship in life (I'm not saying I particularly have, compared to many) seem to float a little more through life, not always realizing the blessing they have, yet still living in joy. Nor can they experience the depths of empathy and compassion for others because they simply cannot empathize. Then there are those who suddenly get dunked into the frigid waters of confusion and pain of life trials and their eyelids are suddenly and drastically peeled back. This new lens, with eyes glued wide open, through which they now see life is startling and brings with it a whole new set of things to cope with but also a new, refreshing perspective on the raw realities of life that can bring joy. They seem to actually be living life, to be feeling life; in all its woes and its beauties. I would rather have my eylids peeled back and remember the days of my life. Though I may experience hardship in its rawest form, I also get to experience the joys in their rawest form. The joys of remembering the way the Lord has grown and changed me. I'm coming to like being forced into a place of vulnerability so that life is shocking and refreshing all at once.

Note: those who go through hardship are by no means "better", it's just a different perspective. If you're in the sunshine, dance in it! You don't have to have seen the shadow as a contrast to know to rejoice in the sunshine.

More wonderful Eclessiastes passages:

Ecc. 6:10-12
10 Whatever has come to be has calready been named, and it is known what man is, and that he is not able to dispute with one stronger than he. 11 The more words, the more vanity, and what is the advantage to man? 12 For who knows what is good for man while he lives the few days of his vain life, which he passes like a shadow? For who can tell man what will be after him under the sun?

Ecc. 5:1-3
Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. 2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. 3 For a dream comes with much business, and a fool's voice with many words.

Ecc. 3:11-14
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.14 I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him.